Francois and the Frogs (part 1?)Posted: December 1, 2012
A French chef named Francois is overseeing a pot of water that is slowly heating up. With his left hand, he is adding frogs to the pot from a huge, multi-staged holding pen, which is not horrible but a little cold and dry for amphibians. With his right hand, Francois takes frogs out, albeit more slowly, and lets them play around in a cramped but comfortable terrarium [ok, my first plot hole]. As you would expect from folklore, the frogs don’t much notice the water heating up or consider their eventual deaths by boiling. They are all just looking forward to messing around in the terrarium.
The frogs in the pot splish around, keeping their skin nice and moist as they call to the penned frogs, “Hey! It’s not for everyone, but if you’re a passionate poikilotherm who likes water, then you’re going to love it in this pot! But it’s totally your choice! And Francois’!”
Francois keeps putting them in. As the pot gets hotter, new frogs are like: “Fuck, it’s hot in here! This sucks!” The resident frogs, kinda groggy already, reply “It’s always been warm… you’re just whining. It was warm when I got in, too. You get used to it.”
At one point, when the water level had dropped from steam loss, Francois topped it up with some cold tap water. “See?” say the old frogs. “Sometimes it gets cooler. It’s cyclical.”
Time passes. Frogs start passing out, floating inert and bloated on the surface. “Hey Francois!” the increasingly lonesome pot-frogs cry. “We need more frogs in here! Especially since you added that extra water. Maybe they could help clean up after these floaters.” So Francois starts adding frogs MUCH faster than he’s taking them out. Now the water is starting to simmer. A lot of it is steaming off, but with all the new frogs added, the pot is full to the top!
New frogs added now scream in agony. “WHAT THE FUCK! Why did you ask me to get in the pot?” The poached frogs are now like people who feel asleep drunk in a sauna. “Choices are hard, I…you’ve got to really…want it. I remember being a disgruntled youngster. But it’s cyclical. Omics. There was this time he added some cold water. Systems, you know. It’s just you gotta learn the systems, and it’s always been pretty warm in here.”
An old frog, sliding into unconsciousness and heat stroke, gestures to the deep fryer. “Frogs have it easy, man. Waterproof assholes, smart retinas. Try being a fucking chicken.”